


"Friend"

by Artemis Entreri (ArtemisEntreri)



Category: Forgotten Realms, The Legend of Drizzt Series - R. A. Salvatore
Genre: Crack, M/M, RP, magic anon, prompts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-02-01
Packaged: 2019-10-13 21:20:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 1,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17495576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArtemisEntreri/pseuds/Artemis%20Entreri
Summary: Inexplicably and for an amount of time unbeknownst to him, every time that Artemis Entreri hears the word, "friend", he's possessed by intrusive and obscene thoughts of Jarlaxle.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> [[ Cross-posted from my Artemis Entreri roleplay blog on Tumblr, by request of those who left the platform but still wishing to access these writings. 
> 
> Almost every "chapter" should include a screenshot of the prompt for each response. If for some reason the image hosting fails and they no longer show up, making the text-only responses a bit nonsensical, please let me know. ]]

Entreri broods over a mug of honey mead as he sits in his usual shrouded corner of the tavern. He takes a long draw from his beverage while a group of adventurers around a nearby table all stand up as a newcomer approaches them. Amidst all the embracing and laughter, the words, “‘Tis good that you have returned, friend,” reaches the assassin’s ears.

Suddenly, unexpected and unbidden, lurid images of Jarlaxle flood his mind, crowding out all other thoughts so thoroughly that the startled man chokes mid-swallow. He coughs violently, unable to divert any of his consciousness to restoring his composure, so overwhelmingly dominating are the inappropriate images of the drow mercenary seductively splaying himself before Entreri's mind's eye.

“Just… continue to breathe…” he gasps to himself between breaths, his own voice sounding external and distant to him through the fog of inexplicable and uninvited thoughts.


	2. Chapter 2

Entreri looks up at the server at the same time that inappropriate thoughts of Jarlaxle flood his mind. The assassin curses under his breath. He had just forced away the last images from the earlier bout and now they are back with a vengeance.

Instead of answering, the irate man snaps out of his seat and leaves the tavern.


	3. Chapter 3

Entreri just fixes the strange old man with the deadliest glare that he can muster through his unfocused eyes, staring as hard as he can at what is actually in front of him rather than the images of Jarlaxle wearing the old man’s crown. 

_Only_  the old man’s crown.


	4. Chapter 4

“Do you wish to die, old man?” Entreri growls, though sadly, due to his condition, it sounds more like a lustful pant.


	5. Chapter 5

Appalled by his own voice, the assassin clamps his mouth shut and just stares silently at the strange old man.

Meanwhile, images of Jarlaxle, still wearing that crown, doing very inappropriate things to him invade his mind.


	6. Chapter 6

“I. Will. Kill. You,” Entreri gasps as he pushes past the strange old man in the thrice-damned crown, pulling his cloak tightly closed as he feels his trousers becoming uncomfortably tight and hurrying on his way.


	7. Chapter 7

Entreri nearly walks directly into a lamppost as his world dissolves into a maelstrom of stroking fingers and delicately licking tongues, belong to not one, not two, but a veritable army of Jarlaxles.


	8. Chapter 8

The deeply perturbed assassin lets out a long groan and turns bloodshot eyes towards the gnome. His blurred vision prevents him from seeing a waist-high piece of debris, which he notices by slamming his groin into it.

The agony that shoots through the assassin manages to clear his mind for a few heartbeats, allowing him to stride up to the bard, seize him, and throw him with all of his might into the distance. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [[ Blond gnome bard was sent airborne with the permission and blessing of his creator. ]]


	9. Chapter 9

On a different occasion, Entreri would have been rather happy to hear Earawen’s question. Today, however…

Stiffly, the assassin forces himself to nod, hold up one finger to indicate that he would like her to wait, and quickly walks away but not before allowing her to hear a whimper-like sound as a sexy Jarlaxle-drider parades through his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [[ Kistrel was a giant pet/friend spider belonging to Earawen, a goodly surface drow. We had a story in which he was going to dispose of a giant spider that he was in "possession" of due to Jarlaxle on her but I can't remember the details of that anymore. ]]


	10. Interlude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [[ Artwork by jadeile re: "sexy Jarlaxle drider". ]]


	11. Chapter 11

Entreri seizes the passerby and throws him as well, although the human does not make quite the altitude or the distance that the gnome had.

Unfortunately, even with his quick reflexes, the assassin is not fast enough to prevent a fresh wave of inappropriate Jarlaxle thoughts from assaulting his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [[ Random passerby belonged to no one and thus was launched without anyone's blessing. >_> ]]


	12. Chapter 12

Entreri mutely pulls his cowl lower, as he can’t imagine that his unusual pallor would look anything but ridiculous with his cheeks as bright red as they must be.

The assassin tries to concentrate on keeping his hood in place against the gusting winds instead of the images in his mind of Jarlaxle dressed in the courtesan’s clothes undressing him.


	13. Chapter 13

The graceful assassin nearly trips over his own feet as the emphasized word causes especially vivid imagery to flash through his mind. Inexplicably and irritatingly, he sees the following scenario play out:

Artemis: “How could you, Jarlaxle? I thought we were friends!”

Jarlaxle: “Please, my  _abbil_ , hear me out. I didn’t mean to hurt you, it’s just that I never thought that you would ever accept me as anything more than a friend…”

Despite it being the most unnatural follow-up ever, the human and the drow then intertwine and begin engaging in acts of extreme intimacy.


	14. Chapter 14

Entreri pushes the bear-tamer’s head into the “friendly beast“‘s maw and walks away, cursing at the thought of rutting with Jarlaxle on a bearskin rug that has just invaded his mind.


	15. Chapter 15

Entreri grimaces as his eyes dart about, habitually recording the information around him, which in this case includes the entire inventory of the overweight vendor’s stall, before he can look away. He covers his face with one hand in a futile effort to shield himself from the images of his body entwined with Jarlaxle’s, engaging in various activities that employ the use of every item of the indecent assortment.


	16. Chapter 16

Images of Jarlaxle wearing a platemail thong pop into his mind. Entreri curses the dwarf and quickly walks past.


	17. Chapter 17

Entreri is almost tempted to take the courtesan up on her offer, at the very least so that his body can redirect the necessary blood flow to his brain again. However, he soon realizes that any physical release that could be had would be had with Jarlaxle’s face superimposed over the courtesan’s.

The assassin pushes the woman of negotiable virtue away and hurries on his way.


	18. Chapter 18

Entreri scowls as the fishmongers’ words reach his ears. His quickened pace takes him out of range of the boisterous voices, but unfortunately not before he envisions being set upon by a merman Jarlaxle and a wererat Jarlaxle.

Not entirely sure how the second Jarlaxle would work, the assassin futilely tries to shut out other thoughts by concentrating on how a wererat-drow would be like. He only succeeds in imagining a scantily-clad Jarlaxle wearing a headband of fake rat ears and a long, sinuous fake rat tail.


	19. Chapter 19

Entreri glares at the barkeep. He had absentmindedly wandered into a different tavern, his thought probably somewhere along the lines of trying to dull the vivid images flitting ceaselessly through his mind.

Now, the tired assassin realizes his error along with the degree that his judgment has lapsed. He deliberately turns away and exits the establishment, making the way to his apartment and hoping that Jarlaxle is, in fact, not waiting for him, nude, in his bed.


	20. Chapter 20

Entreri stares blankly at the drow. After the way his day has gone, he isn’t sure why he opened the door. Moreover, he isn’t even certain if the sight before him isn’t a hallucination. However, the assassin soon realizes that the mercenary isn’t immodestly clad, well, compared to how he appears in the visions anyway, thus confirming that the smiling mercenary is very much real.

Snarling, Entreri grabs the front of Jarlaxle’s collar, roughly pulling the drow inside and slamming him against the wall. The assassin throws the door closed behind them, never taking his eyes off of the mercenary. “What in the Nine Hells did you do to me?” he growls.

* * *

Jarlaxle wasn’t expecting a warm welcome, but he didn’t think that Entreri would be in quite that bad of a mood either. Flailing to prevent the cake from being upturned, the mercenary holds it protectively before his chest as the assassin slams him against the wall.

“Well. If I knew that you’d be so upset about celebrating your birthday, I wouldn’t have bothered,” he replies crossly and with a pout.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [[ This is where the "Friend" prompts ended. The Jarlaxle RPer and I had decided to table this thread until we wrapped up some of the other ones we had going, but it appears that we'd then forgotten about it. ]]


End file.
